Many of you may believe that there is no need for a news show devoted to The Long Red Tie, since CNN and MSNBC talk of little else. What more can possibly be covered, you ask. Not so fast with the assumptions. CNN and MSNBC, as we all now know, are fake news organizations, not to be trusted. Their secret agenda is to bring down Trump and replace him with someone whose brain should not be studied for generations to come.
Their way they do this is to give viewers a one-sided idea of the Trump administration. They report declining poll numbers, bloated nonsensical speeches, Tweets, and quotes, Congressional (in)action, a revolving door of White House staff, and international diplomacy consisting of big, shiny swords and big, shiny parades. According to the White House, they do not report on what matters: the slew of positive things our Bill Signer-in-Chief has done to protect our well-being, our wallets, and our whiteness.
To correct the injustice, there is now an unbiased new news show, dedicated to The Truth. It lives on Trump’s Facebook page, for all the world to see. It is called “Real News” and is hosted by Lara Trump, the President’s ‘s daughter-in-law. Lara acts like a cheerleader who has temporarily misplaced her pom-pom. She is perky but always deadly serious. She is absolutely sure that, by staring straight ahead and smiling a lot, the pom-pom will be found.
(An aside: Life in the Boomer Lane is getting a bit concerned that the Trump family is becoming stretched a bit too thinly, at this point. Like many hard-working immigrant families, everyone is called upon to help support the family unit. Available workers named Trump and Kushner are rapidly disappearing. If this continues, child labor laws will most certainly be violated.)
Now back to the meat (steak, rare) of the story. Here, then, is what Lara had to say:
“I bet you haven’t heard about all the accomplishments the president had this week because there’s so much fake news out there. We wanted to give you a glimpse into his week.”
What followed was this:
Fact News Statement: “The president donated his second quarter salary to the Dept of Education!”
Fake News Statement: This amounted to $100,000. At the same time, Trump has proposed cutting $9.2 billion to the same department.
Fact News Statement: “The unemployment rate is at the lowest point that it has been since 2001…That’s quite an incredible fact!”
Fake News statement: Unemployment has been declining since October 2009. In July 2000, the unemployment rate was 4 percent. As of June 2017, the unemployment rate was at 4.4 percent.
Fact News Statement: “The President has created 800,000 new jobs since coming into office!”
Fake News Statement: A large percentage of the 800,000 figure is a combination of jobs that were on target to be created anyway, pre-Trump, and promises of jobs that have not yet materialized. Another category is jobs that will occur because we the taxpayers are basically paying for those jobs to come here from elsewhere, in the form of tax incentives.
LBL will stop raining on Lara’s parade now. Poor Lara is doing the best she can. And she is succeeding. She has a great body, great hair, and has snatched a great guy named Trump. She is also incubating the next member of the Trump Royal Family. And, she is most likely, as you read this, preparing for her next newscast. A Pulitzer is waiting. And, if it’s not, Trump will declare the Pulitzer fake and create his own Real Pulitzer to award her.